Free Pass

I am gaslit
Now and then
Fictional moms
(Both real and pretend.)

I see them
Escaping
Any
Responsibility

Any
Accountability
Because
They are mothers.

Because
We don't matter.
Because of
A thousand reasons.

Time and
Time and
Time again

Nondisabled people
Feeling good
Matters more
Than our personhood.

More
Than our safety
So hasty
To dismiss us.

Invisible--
Who sees us?

Feeling Myself

Feeling myself
Growing
A little
At a time

Knowing
It's time
To be gentle
And kind

Because
Trauma and cold
Make processing
Slow

It doesn't
Make me less
Or worthy of
Woe.

It will be okay
We'll come out intact.
Loving ourselves
Is a radical act.

Detect Me

Connect
One feeling
To another--

Present to
Past--
You to me.

Connect
The neglect
I experienced

At your hands
To the hunger
And the shame

I'll always feel.
If I had my fill
I would not still

Crave
What you never
Gave.

I might meet
My own needs
Instead of

Hating myself
For having needs
At all.

See me.

Pay attention.

I am not
Just
Your invention.

Writing Feelings

Do this
Be this
Be what you
Can never be

Because
You can't
Change
Yourself.

You're stuck
Feeling
Like you suck.
Like nothing

You do
Is enough
Like you
Aren't enough.

If I am not
Pleasing you
Then am I
Not worthy?

Not lovable?
Not anything?
Who can fill
This gaping space

Inside
With grace

So shame
Won't always
Take its place?

Zero Anesthesia Awareness

I am alone
I am torture
I am pain

I am a scar
Longer
Than I am wide

I am tiny
I am unmoving
But I am feeling
Everything.

And where are you?

You are home
Getting an update
That I lived.

I should still
Be inside you
Safe.

But instead I
Am cut open
While awake

While aware
Three times
In four months.

I want a do-over
I want grown-ups
Who gave a damn

Who were there
To comfort me
Who know

I am human.

Dream of Snow

I walked through
Snowy streets --
Saw costumed
Humans.

Moved under
Arctic arches.
Listened to
Choral somethings

Crooning.  Tuning.
As we were moving
Through this
Dreamscape

This future-memory
We held
Catching snowflakes
Marching

Singing
Eating candy
And enjoying...

Hopefully
We can be

Walking around
And singing
Together
Soon.

Basics

Being seen
And respected
And validated
Is so rare
For us

That we
Appreciate it
Extra.

We are extra
Thankful,
Grateful,
We grovel
Over basics

Because we
Are taught
That if
We do not

They might
Be yanked
From us
Without
Warning.

Feed Yourself

Nourishment
In this era
Of fear
And vulnerability
Is so vital.

So let's fulfill our
Basic needs
For actual food --
And also for
What feeds
Our souls --
What supports
Our emotional
Growth.

Let's let the
Examples of
Humanity
Not go
Unacknowledged
Or
Ignored.

Feed yourself
And feel
Your stuff
And know
You are
Enough.

Emotional Example

Words may fail

But your

Ample

Example

Does not.

Your honesty

Vulnerability

Your realness

Your transparency

Those things 

Show

And shine

And rise.

And you lead

And you teach

How to be human --

How to feel everything --

Grief at the brevity

Of this greatest thing.

You felt it.

And we see you.

Creating community --

Routine, structure,

Safety --

In the midst 

Of this darkness

Lurking at life's

Edges.

Drink the coffee,

Leave the

Dregs.

Spending so much
Dough
To essentially
Make
More
Dough.

This is
The irony
Of quarantine.