Danny

You were here.
You were gifted, yes.
But being here
That was the gift.

So, dance big now.
We'll be here
Reeling, dealing
With this massive
Shift.

Dream loud now.
This rift
Might break us
Shake us
Destroy us.

Reverie misses us
Dismisses us.
There is no lesson
Here--

The very place
You should be.

When I wake up,
I rock.
Because when I rock
Everything changes.
Because it brings
Me closer
To her.

I like the smoothness
Of the top
Of the railing.
The closefarness of rocking
Until there's no
Crib and I'm falling

Down

       Down

                Down

To the floor where I
CRASH-land.
Head-in-a-bowl.

My inside me is
The most scared.
The scared makes
Me stiff.
Means I don't
Hurt.

A person comes
Picks me up
Carries me away
From her,
Saying,
"You're okay."

They give me a ball.
It's Care Bears.
I usually like it
The smell and the feel
But no.
I don't want it.

Balls won't help.
Balls are nothing.

Crying time is
All done because
New room.
My heart still booms.
I'm still stiff
But it doesn't matter.

I don't rock in cribs
Anymore.

I stay still, still, still
I look at our Big Bird
Lamp,
Our poster with Ernie and
His friends.
And I sing
Inside myself.

I lie.

I wait.

See the crib sides
Tall around me.

I don't rock
Anymore.

See me.
I'm impatient
I am quiet
I am gone.
I could be
Gone.
I would be
Gone
Right now.
Never going
Home.
(What home anyway?)
But would you care?
One less kid -
One less mouth
To feed.
So notice -
Or whatever -
Watch
Me from a
Distance.
Zoom in
On my
Absolute goneness.
Call me an
Idiot
Fine, whatever.
Warm soft sand.
Tara close by.
Saltwater burning.
Just an empty nothing.

Glad you're so happy
to see me -
Ironic -
Since you don't
Really see me
At all.

You use me
Dementor-kissing
The hell out of me.
Sucking my soul
Out and leaving me
Empty.

You're energized
Post-leeching,
Post-crying, beseeching,
Post-defending our
Abusers.
Post-asking us to choose her -
For your comfort -
To make your life
Better.

You don't notice
As we wither
After hours
in your presence;
Spur-of-the-moment
Violation.
Feeling so much better
As you leave
Us crushed beneath your feet.

Falling Headfirst

I'm two.



I just woke up.  It's naptime dark.  Tara's in her crib, not side-by-side-touching.  Across a long way.  I see her.  She's awake.  I stand, because in the crib, I can.



I hang onto the bars of my crib and rock.  It makes Tara go close-far-close-far-close-far...  I like doing close-far.



I always do it.



But then there is no crib.  Because I'm falling.  Down, down, down, far.  I land, CRASH on my head, on the floor.  My head landed in a bowl.  A funny hat but not.



Nothing on me hurts because I'm too scared, that's why.



I cry because inside me is so scared.  The biggest scared ever.



Someone comes.



Picks me up.



Says, "Are you okay?"



Says, "It's okay."



Walks me.  Step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step.



Wait.  Tara.



No.



I want her.



In the living room means no more "okays" to me.



Means that's all done



"Here, Toni, play with the ball."



Like I didn't just fall from the highest ever.



Like, nothing even happened at all.



But my scared is too big.  Freezing my whole self.  I take the ball.  My favorite Care Bear rubber ball.  But everything feels scary and I-don't-care-y.



(Balls won't help.  Balls are nothing.)



I don't want it.



I don't want anything.



Where's my stop button?

Hearing

Hearing you
            Seeing you
                           Making this
                                         All about you

Makes me doubt myself
                            My memory
                                 My credibility
                                       Like hers, you might say
                                                                         It's full of holes

Because I was 12
                       Or I wasn't
Because it was fall
                       Or it wasn't
Because it happened
                       Or maybe it didn't
                                             According to you
                                                             And those like you
I remember where
  And when
   And how
     And who
         I remember how
           It hurt
            I remember the words
                The face I was faced with

I remember the denial that I cultivated
       I remember body memories
                      At 13
                               At 18
                                       At 26

I remember speaking about this
   At 36.
         So maybe waiting
             Makes me less credible
According to leaders
       To people
           In power positions.

Maybe nothing happened
         At all.

But why do I remember the words?
      The pain and pressure the no's I screamed
           The "stop" I wished for?  Why is the dismissal
                Inscribed indellibly in my not-memory, of the not-assault

When I was 12
        Or maybe not-12?

Places, Everyone

Settle
For the crumbs.

Settle for
The nothing-sums
We deign
To give
As if
That is
Enough.

Settle
For the scraps.

Settle for
The zero craps
We give you
When we toss
You -
And what little
Is left
At you -
Under the table.
Under
Our feet.

Settle
For abuse.

Settle for
The chains we loose
When we decide
To love you
Or accuse you -
It's really up to us -
To lose you - to confuse you
Or to leave you...
Always looking up.

Settle
For excuses.

Settle for
The lie our truth is
When we look back
On the past
Aghast
At the dying embers
You remember.

How dare you tell it?

The sins you claim
We did.
The ones
That burned your skin.

Settle
For I am entitled
To every charred
Remnant.
Every crumb, scrap, damn
Piece of it -

        of you -

Whatever, right?

Same difference.

How is it possible
That I can feel
Just as isolated
Lonely Worthless Punished
and Burdensome
When I am with you
As when you leave
Me behind?
Whether your face is
Before me with its
Anger Disgust Contempt
or Silent Judgement
as you force a thing
or as you martyr
Yourself
For having to deal
With someone like me.
Would you believe
That I feel just as
Hated Rejected Harmed
Disrespected and Devalued
When you
Take them and you
Leave me?
It's no big deal?
Keep telling yourself
That
As you walk around
The store with the
Family
You always wanted.

An odd place
to give space
to something
I never want(ed)
to speak of -
to think of -
to be.
But it's small here
So maybe not as
Daunting
to give words to the
Haunting
Happening (12 + 24 = ?)
What do I know of
This - anything?
Can I think less?
Deny more?
But that's what
She wanted
Wasn't it?
(It doesn't hurt.)
How would she know
Peek now into my soul
This thing is alive -
The memory's in me
I am worth this (everything)
Processing
Because what happened to me
Is not
Nothing.

What Ableism Looks Like

Ableism.

It's an -ism lesser known
Less understood
Because it's less discussed.
So let's do it.
Let's talk about it.
This ableism -
What is it -
Exactly?

Ableism is
Discrimination
Against
Disabled
People.

Your kids
With disabilities
Face it every day.

It looks like
Someone mocking
Your child for how
Their disability
Makes them look
Or move
Or speak.

It looks like
Someone dismissing
Your child's word
Because their disability
Means society
Does not take them seriously.

It looks like a pastor
Taking away your child's mobility aids
And insisting
They walk without them.
It's when that pastor
Prays for healing -
For your child to be delivered
Of something that actually shapes
Your child
Into being who they are.

It looks like
A high school kid taking something
Away from your kid
Without consent
And leaving
Because they know
Your kid can't go after them
To get it back.

It's the aide in middle school who
Makes your child feel alienated.
Who reports back to you if
They do something the aide
Does not approve of.
It's making your kid feel
Like there is a double-standard
In place.
One for the other kids,
And one for them,
Because they're disabled.

It's the teacher in elementary school
Who denies your child ribbons on
Track and Field Day,
Because events need to be
Modified.
Because your child
Has a disability.
They offer stickers instead.
Your child feels slapped.
Degraded.

It's when a therapist mocks
Your child's walk.

It's when your child's "no"
Is disregarded.

It's when your child is called
Lazy.  Uncaring.  Inattentive.
When the reality is
Their disability is
Invisible.

It's when your child's adaptive equipment is
"Too heavy."

It's when your child's negative
(But completely valid)
Feelings
Are written off as a symptom
And not treated as legitimate.

It's when your child is regarded
As a list of symptoms.
As broken.  As damaged.
As flawed.
As less valuable.
As less than whole.

It's when your child is blamed
For an inability to control their bodies.
When their actions are viewed as
Misbehavior.  As intentionally
Aggravating.
When, in fact, they are trying
So hard, always,
To stay in control.

It's when a stranger asks "What's wrong with him?"
Or, "Did you know before you had him?"
Or says, "She's too pretty to be in a wheelchair,"
Right in front of your child.
Or pushes that wheelchair
(With your child in it.
Without asking.)
Without regard for the fear they are striking
In your child at that moment.

It's when media constantly paints your child
As a burden.
And being disabled
As the worst fate ever.

It is loud
Like your child being called
The R-word.
Like your child being hurt
For what they can't help.

It's quiet
Like your child being ignored
When they try to engage
Other kids
And even, sometimes,
Grown ups.

It's when your child
Can't prove they know something
So, it's assumed they don't.
It's when this assumption
That
"They don't understand,"
Is used as permission
To overshare and disrespect.

It's when your child
Is not believed
When they need to be
Believed.

So...

Celebrate your child
For the way adaptive equipment helps them
For their unique way of moving
For finding a way to communicate that works for them.

Take your child
With a disability
Seriously.

Know that supporting your child
And respecting your child
Are not the same thing.

Make sure your child
Experiences both
From you.

Because your child's words are
Valid.
They are
Valued.
They should be protected
And know
Always
That they are enough
And whole.

Believe in them
And believe
Them.