When I wake up,
I rock.
Because when I rock
Everything changes.
Because it brings
Me closer
To her.

I like the smoothness
Of the top
Of the railing.
The closefarness of rocking
Until there's no
Crib and I'm falling

Down

       Down

                Down

To the floor where I
CRASH-land.
Head-in-a-bowl.

My inside me is
The most scared.
The scared makes
Me stiff.
Means I don't
Hurt.

A person comes
Picks me up
Carries me away
From her,
Saying,
"You're okay."

They give me a ball.
It's Care Bears.
I usually like it
The smell and the feel
But no.
I don't want it.

Balls won't help.
Balls are nothing.

Crying time is
All done because
New room.
My heart still booms.
I'm still stiff
But it doesn't matter.

I don't rock in cribs
Anymore.

I stay still, still, still
I look at our Big Bird
Lamp,
Our poster with Ernie and
His friends.
And I sing
Inside myself.

I lie.

I wait.

See the crib sides
Tall around me.

I don't rock
Anymore.

See me.
I'm impatient
I am quiet
I am gone.
I could be
Gone.
I would be
Gone
Right now.
Never going
Home.
(What home anyway?)
But would you care?
One less kid -
One less mouth
To feed.
So notice -
Or whatever -
Watch
Me from a
Distance.
Zoom in
On my
Absolute goneness.
Call me an
Idiot
Fine, whatever.
Warm soft sand.
Tara close by.
Saltwater burning.
Just an empty nothing.

Glad you're so happy
to see me -
Ironic -
Since you don't
Really see me
At all.

You use me
Dementor-kissing
The hell out of me.
Sucking my soul
Out and leaving me
Empty.

You're energized
Post-leeching,
Post-crying, beseeching,
Post-defending our
Abusers.
Post-asking us to choose her -
For your comfort -
To make your life
Better.

You don't notice
As we wither
After hours
in your presence;
Spur-of-the-moment
Violation.
Feeling so much better
As you leave
Us crushed beneath your feet.

Falling Headfirst

I'm two.



I just woke up.  It's naptime dark.  Tara's in her crib, not side-by-side-touching.  Across a long way.  I see her.  She's awake.  I stand, because in the crib, I can.



I hang onto the bars of my crib and rock.  It makes Tara go close-far-close-far-close-far...  I like doing close-far.



I always do it.



But then there is no crib.  Because I'm falling.  Down, down, down, far.  I land, CRASH on my head, on the floor.  My head landed in a bowl.  A funny hat but not.



Nothing on me hurts because I'm too scared, that's why.



I cry because inside me is so scared.  The biggest scared ever.



Someone comes.



Picks me up.



Says, "Are you okay?"



Says, "It's okay."



Walks me.  Step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step-step.



Wait.  Tara.



No.



I want her.



In the living room means no more "okays" to me.



Means that's all done



"Here, Toni, play with the ball."



Like I didn't just fall from the highest ever.



Like, nothing even happened at all.



But my scared is too big.  Freezing my whole self.  I take the ball.  My favorite Care Bear rubber ball.  But everything feels scary and I-don't-care-y.



(Balls won't help.  Balls are nothing.)



I don't want it.



I don't want anything.



Where's my stop button?