We are shaped 

By the people

Around us.

And I am chipped

And roughly

Hewn

Ripped

And badly

Sewn

By you.

Once

Every three months

You come

Needle-

Studded threats -

I'm numb.

I succumb.

You say I'm forced -

I'll have to.

You say it's all

Your idea.

Noncompliance

Non-believing

Medical

Flooding

My heart's 

Thudding

So leave

Please.

Give me

At least 

Three months

Of peace.

Christmas Adam Update

Hi.  Hello.

What's happened since

I last wrote?

Let us commence...

We got Hulu.

Streaming's great,

Ali and Kiera

Help my current state.

Thanksgiving's gross,

I'm glad it's over - 

O-Mall-eys?

No contact? Whatever.

Writing last month,

Writing still,

Summer camp in 

Winter fits the bill.

Presents come

And then we wrap them

Acceptable Christmas

How to attack them?

Blogging leaves me

Tender hearted

Armchair diagnosis?

Don't get me started...

You don't know me

But I see you.

Sharing my pain,

Blaming me, too.

But there are friendships, and

Grey came home.

These things and more tell us

We're not alone.

We made it

(Though not all of us did)

We made it

To a day that seemed

Impossible to see

So don't tell me

To be kinder

While we're dying

While we're being

Killed off

Obviously

Under

Your nose

Being assaulted

And hearing him

Brag about it.

No.

Don't tell me 

To be kinder.

Missing a day of writing

Because I was writing

So writing

Slipped by

The wayside

How ironic

The feeling of it

This missing 

Of something

Because I was

Doing

The very thing

I forgot 

To do.

Tonight,

We vanquish fright

We exchange it

For excitement

We can't wait

To write all about it

Everything

We've been holding in

So let's sharpen pencils

Charge laptops

Click our pens

Let us prepare

To channel our 

Circumstances

Our grief

Our ashes

Let us transform it

Let us bring it

To life on pages

Let's change the endings

To suit us

Let us create

Somewhere safe

To go.

Tonight,

We celebrate

A friend --

Our community

Someone who gets 

 What it's like

Who grasps

How it feels

To be 

Us

Just

By being

Her.

Is she likable?

This anti-hero?

This wholly human

Flawed woman?

Is she palatable?

This character?

This person

We are meant to root for?

Raised to be

Likable

In order to

Secure our safety

In order to 

Ensure our places

In this 

Society

She does not 

Have to be

Likable

At all

In order to be

Depicted

And loved

And seen.

Memories of elegance 

Surround me

Engulf me

In sweetness

Tinged with 

Grief

At the sight

And the experience

Of this

Of you

In this 

Space

When doubt 

Swirls me

In its depths

I spin

And turn

Disoriented

I am 

Unmoored

It's unrelenting

So find

The floor

And start again 

It's okay

To disagree

It's okay

To think we see

It's okay

To change our minds

When we 

Get more information

It's okay to need

Apologies

It's okay to be

Yourself

There's no one else

That you should be.

Let's tape our fingers together

Let's see if that helps.

Let's let people help

Let's see if that sorts this out.

Let's flout convention

And the ways we were taught --

That needing anything makes you

Weak -- no --

Needing everything

Makes you

Deliciously, blessedly

Human.

 When life throws us curve balls

We adjust.

We adapt.

We don't have to take the hit.

We can do something

Differently

Something better

For us

In the 

Long

Run.

Let us dream a new world

A world where we can be

Anything we want to,

Seem to dream to be.

Let us dream a safe world

A world where we can see

Pandemicless life once again

Maskless - fearless - free.

Let us dream a wide world

Accessible to me

And all the others who may need

Accommodations without fee

Let us dream and then create

The world we want to see

Let leadership reflect

Where we so long to be.

Trying to 

Practice

Self care

Is a thing

It's a 

Brand

New 

Thing

That I'm not

Very good at

But I will 

Get better

At resting

And at 

Self care

Let's get

Tactilely grounded

Let us

Intelligently

Disobey.

Let us

Listen

To ourselves

And 

Embrace

All of who we are.

One of these days 

When puppies

Reigned supreme

Such a great

Use of time and

Mental health space

That

And naps

Win

Today, you go out into the world

Fully formed and fluffed and curled

You are something fully made

Something I would never trade

Your ideas were borne of struggle

So much more than I could dream

You saw me through so much turmoil

Fully bursting at the seams

Thanks a bunch for everything

I'll love you never altering

May the words upon you never age

And may we always turn the page

When you say you're there for us

Do you back it up?

Are your words turned into actions

That show us that we are loved?

When you say you're going to change

What changes do you make?

Do you start again from scratch?

Do you bake a whole new cake?

When you say you hear us

What is it that you hear?

A mob of angry voices

Or a chorus of trauma and fear?

When you say you love us

What exactly do you love?

Do you love what we give you?

Or is who we are enough?

Reflect on this and please

Make good on the promises you claim

And never doubt we're who will suffer

If you stay the same.

Loving 

Newness

And living

To do this

To write and 

To learn

To explore

What's to come

How 

Do I do it?

This thing

That I love

I pour myself 

Out

And I hope 

It's enough

Go figure

There's still figuring

And thinking

About a regular night

When everything changed

Figuring

Out what was to come

What to expect

What to prepare for

Happiness?

What is this?

(Or is it unabashed relief

From terror

Believing 

Things will no longer

Be 

As they've been?)

Looking ahead

Feels a little bit

Like

Looking behind

Seeing 

All

The things

That weren't

Grieving 

All 

The things

That should 

Have been

Being here

The way I am --

Was --

The way you

Weren't

I can survive

Leaning on me

And those around me

But oh,

I wish...

I could 

Have had you

To lean on, 

Too...

I see you

Seeing me --

And yet --

Not even

Trying

To see me.

I see you

Moving

Breathing

Being

But never

Seeing 

Me.

I see you

I anticipate

Everything

You feel --

And all the 

Reactions

Possible

For you to have.

I see you

I hold my breath

Around you

I fear you

Want never

To be near you.

I see you

But you never

Even try

To see

Me.

Sometimes

I see nothing

And sometimes

I see more

Sometimes 

I can tell

What's 

Coming

Sometimes

I don't

Have

A clue

This is

What I see

When I 

See you

Burst at the seams

With inspiration

Waking with dreams

Of newish horizons

Leaves are falling

Outside my window

Like the ideas

Falling gently

Into my head

I'm loving this

Time and these vibes - 

Coffee shop feelings

And brainstorming life

This is what I love

And I love

What I

Write

Lets not talk

Let's never talk

Let's talk around

This thing no one

Talks about

Ever

Let's never

Say it and then

Claim there's no

Shame here.

Let's let it be

The freeforall

It is

To treat us

However

The hell

Because

You stayed

Here.

Good for you

You did next to 

Nothing

And yet you did 

Everything

To imprint us

With your face

With your fear

We didn't choose this

Or you

Or anything.

We'd love

To be loved

For who we are

But it feels

Like the

Farthest thing

From where we

Sit.

Newness

Is so necessary

From time

To time

To time.

It fuels me

With energy

To do

This new

Thing.

So let's chill

In the dark

And nurture 

The spark

Of our creativity

Together

And apart.

Just

Barely

Keeping it

Together

Before I

Start

Falling

Apart

What luck

Is this

What the fuck

Is this

I don't like

Whatever 

This is

But

I'll keep

Trying 

To self care

It up

How can we know

That we are worth more

When we are constantly

Told and shown that we are

Less?

How can we set 

Our sights

Higher,

When we are raised

To be grateful

For so

Little?

How can we live

When others crave

Our suffering -

Participating

In exploiting

Us?

Can we

Just 

Live?

When I love you

I wince...

When you see me

I brace

For hits

For hints

Of what 

Flits

Below your 

Surface

Edges...

Are there 

Ledges

Hidden 

Beneath

Water?

Are there

Currents

Swirling

Ready

To take me

Under?

Or a wall

I'm preparing

To meet

Head-on

Without

Proper

Protection?

Almost out of 

These dark woods

Until I'm

Thrust

Back

Into the

Arms

Of those trees.

Can I emerge

From this 

Tangled

Wilderness

This nightmarish

Time when 

The light

Burns my eyes

And the pain

Rises in me.

So let it

Release me.

Out here

At sea

A storm

Tosses me

Rudely

Relentlessly

Leave me

Alone

Let me

Find land

Find purchase

Find sand

Somewhere 

To be 

Without 

These

Ceaseless

Waves

Rocking 

Me

Know that when 

You leave me back

My fears will build

My heart will crack

Don't go quick

And don't go ever

Leave me home

While you endeavor

To make this trip

Quick

The feelings will

Stick

With me for years

Trust me

It's not no

Big deal

It is 

The biggest

Damn deal

Our minds

Are not 

One mind

All the time.

That's fine.

Because you have

Yours

And I have

Mine.

We don't have to

Share

Or always

Compare

In order to

Shine.

That's fine

For you to have 

Your thoughts

And me to have 

Mine.

The smell of pumpkin

Pancakes

And maple syrup

Pervades

This space.

It's beyond

Comforting

To constantly

Have something

That smells

As good as this.

It brings me 

Back

To the past --

To memories

Of baking 

Pumpkin

Chocolate 

Chip cookies

A one-time thing

I will always remember.

Dawning of a new month
But there is nothing new
About the ableism
Felt by me
Expressed by you.

You are able to 
Take stock
To feel grateful
To unlock
All your feelings
About going to restaurants
While we are here
Trying
Not to keep
Dying.

You call it
A lost cause
To keep pushing - 
Not my voice that matters
Not my choice to keep choosing.

Keep on doing 
What you're doing
Pass me off 
To the next person
Tell me
Everything
About you
And how you
Dropped the ball.

 Tell us again

How we can't

We'll show you

We can

Tell us again

We must break

Ourselves in half,

And we'll tell you

We don't do that.

We make 

Our mark

We rise

We soar

Let us 

Show you

Who 

We are

Doing 

This resting

Thing

Doing

The crap

Out of it

To do some

Healing

To keep on

Going

Here's to a different

Kind of life:

To rest and

Rejuvenate

To learn to

Feel feelings

To cry 

Openly

To no 

Mocking

To safety

To everything

To evening

To

Just

This

 Let's keep it up

This self discipline

It will pay off

No pain for the win

Rest is productive

So let's watch TV

For a whole day

Or more

And see

If it pays

To rest me

Once more.

 Relaxing

And resting

And icing

Not stressing

No more 

Rage-tweeting

Or ableist

Reading

Let's watch

Some baking

Together

Instead

 Tired

Take me back to the 

Shire

Wired

By what is

Required

Mired

In everything

Dire

Liar --

What she made 

Us into

Choirs

Of liars

In frying 

Pan fires --

Taking our safety 

Tires

So enamored

By her

Every goddamn

Fiber

Of the

Cyber

Nightmare

We are 

Living.

 How can you

Blame us

And shame us

And then claim us

You're not in our 

Corner

So don't claim to

Be there

You're not

Our ally

So don't try

To pretend

We see right through you

To the abuse you

Keep right on 

Perpetuating

We are screaming

Stop

But you refuse

To learn

I fear for 

My community

Who will be harmed

Because of this

Because of what you

Missed

Because you never

Bothered

To get the jist

Of this,

Or of us,

Or of anything.

 I can't even tell you

How much you are 

Hurting

How much

You are

Endangering

How much 

You are 

Angering

Us.

We are human beings

Who feel pain

And need things

Who are threatened

And abused

And settle

Repeatedly 

For 

So

Little.

Not because 

We are happy to

But because

We are forced.

We have 

No 

Damn choice.

No agency

No power.

We are

At the mercy

Of others

Just hoping

That we will be

Afforded dignity.

What you can't see

Is us finding community

It's adapting beautifully

It's overcoming

Your shit

Repeatedly.

Because we'll adapt

We'll keep coming back,

And calling you out,

Try to hold us back.

You can't break us.

We are here.

We are always

Going to be 

Right

Damn

Here.

 Do you see this?

What you are helping happen

With what you're putting out there

With the tropes you are entrenching

Do you hear us?

The people you are harming

With the ways you're always arming

Others against us?

Do you care?

That this is night whatever

That we are emotionally laboring

So others are alerted

To what this really is?

How can you claim it?

That the kids you write about

Are amazing

When every word about them

Harms their entire well-being?

Notice.

Good God.

Please notice

The harm you're doing

Before it is too late.

(As it may already be.)

Creating safety

Feeling seen

In these spaces

We have been

Some we haven't

That's okay

To hear you talk

Takes us away.

To a place and 

To a safety

We have 

Rarely felt.

To feel so loved

And valued now

Our hearts may

Truly melt.

I'm falling now

Into the chasm

Into this ditch

Off this cliff

You've created.

With your words 

So hideous

Your idea of us

So insidious

We feel your hatred.

We know it's there

It's obvious

In the words you choose

In the voice you give us

Forgive us

If we're not elated.

We can't take much more

Of this soul-sucking rep

The secret of your derision

Is one so ill-kept.

The ableism 

Goes on

And on

And on

Unabated.

 At night, 

Before the dawn's first light

I sit 

And try with all my might

To write.

And I

Will the words from brain to

Page, and

Try to catch them as they

Fall tonight.

From my

Head onto a screen

And to

My pillow into dreams

Good night.

 Why does

Your version

Of us --

The dehumanizing 

Blatantly

Surmising

Who we are

It's unsurprising

Why 

Does this

Persist?

Because 

The preference --

For some odd reason --

Is to read 

The tropes.

Entangling us

In the toxic

Ropes --

The stories

They tell

That help

Them cope.

It allows them

To take heart --

The hate

The burdensome

Takes

That keep us

Apart.

 Grateful for 

Distractions

And all

The forms

They take --

Reading

And

Watching

And 

Being with

Friends.

Give it all

To me

All

The time.

 Take our part

That's all we

Want --

The marginalized
Being raised

By the mainstream.

But too often --

Instead --

We are

Taken apart

Piece by piece

In an effort

To remake us.

This breaks us

That instead of

Defending us

You join the chorus

Of voices

Who hate us.

You, who protect

Become our first

Tormentor.

Our worst abuser,

Breaking us down.

Go against 

This status quo --

If you love us

Let us know

Because 

We're everything--

Everything

You never dared

To dream.

 Watch us

Work together,

Doing the 

Hard things

Together.

Watch us

Save each other

Save money

Save 

It all.

Watch us 

Growing 

Slowly

Over time

All the time.

Watch us.

 Ask me again

About my goals

My dreams

My accomplishments

Share with me 

What 

Exactly

Was documented

Somehow

I come away

Feeling betrayed

Somehow

I come away

Feeling small

Somehow 

I come away

Feeling like a burden

Like I have

No value

Unless I am

Productive

I am beyond

Tired knowing

What was

Required

Was me

Justifying

Myself

The hopes and dreams

I was asked to

Supply were 

Reduced

To a nondisabled

Norm after all

To being

Published.

Is this all

That 

I am worth?

(Spoiler alert:

No, it isn't.)

 When the end

Is in sight

After long

Working

Toward a goal --

It's super

Satisfying.

Because

It means

Months of work

Is about 

To be

Worth it.

 Curl up

With a movie

And friends

And settle in

Loving this time

With each other...

Finding characters

In dreams of mine

Protecting them

In every

Which way

That I can.

This is something

This day.

It's something.

It's something

Right now.

 When I show

My face to

The world,

It's going to be

The face that

I choose.

If I want to

Smile, I will.

If I don't

Then I

Damn well

Won't.

Don't ask me

What's wrong.

Don't tell me

I should.

I don't exist

For you.

What is on 

My mind tonight?

I want warmth

And calm and light

I love writing and

Love being seen

I love Justin Foley

On my TV screen

(Not in that way -

No, just as a human -

Flawed as we all are

I'm happy to see him.)

I love that my 

Seat cushion

Still has some 

Squish left

I love what 

I have

I don't want

Any less.

Do we need

The frigid breeze

The dying leaves

The changing

Seasons now?

Do we need

This cold we feel

To know what's real

And that this nightmare

Ends somehow?

Do we need 

To be in place

Frozen in this

Space and

Time?

Do we need

The brutal chill

To know we will

Come out

The other side?

"I don't do
Pictures."

"I need to
Get out of this."

Cuddle in bed
For the rest
Of your life.

Be safe
Where you are

And know
We won't
Exploit you.

Rest now.

Stay here.

Be loved.

How do I balance
Boundary-making
With my wholly
People-pleasing
Nature?

I crave connection
And have been
Told
So often
That I, myself,
Am not enough.

And so
I vanish
Blending
Bending
Losing me

Until there's
No one
Left
To see.

Reaching back
Through detritused
Memories

Reaching for
Glimmers
So few and far
Between

Some, I found
Some, I'd like
To remain
Unaffected

Untainted
By the
Strain
That infects us

Just leave it alone
Just let it be
Everything
It was to me

It feels like
All
That I have
Left

Whose definition
Of  you
Do you
Live by?

And can you
Truly
Love yourself
Without

First
Being loved
For everything
You are?

We need
Each piece
Of your
Uniqueness

Every single
Person, ability, shade
We need every single
Dang difference

Every
Single
One
Of you

(And
There is
Only
One of you.)

When I see you
Out here
Creating safe spaces

With your content
And your intent
It makes me

Hopeful

Despite
The state
Of things

In this
Day and time
And in

This life

So much
For happy endings
The nondisabled
Way

So much
For hopes and dreaming
I can't say what
You hope I'll say

Because
The fairytales you read
Say I'm the one
To blame

Even though
It's your society
That wants us
All the same

Something
Deep in me
That I can't
Control

This desire
To be loved and
Seen after
So much silence
Takes its toll

I can't stop the
Words as they
Tumble free

This desperation

It ruins

Everything

Espresso chocolate
Is my lifeblood
Seeing me into
This new month
This new season
This new everything.

These are what
We like to call
The worst of times -
But the best way
To see them in
Is with you.

Up late - 3 AM late -
Connecting
Finally getting
Each other
On this - the
Deepest level.

We keep each other going
Always open,
Always learning
To stay alive
In these dark times.

Am I forgotten
Or am I alone
Do I matter at all
Not family, no home.

What does it matter
And what do we do
A friendship's in pieces
Everything to lose

Forget it -- past tense
Because everything's lost
What we had is gone
All evidence tossed.

Can we get it back
This thing we once shared
Or have we now come
As close as we dared?

Where do we go
To see ourselves
When all that's
Deemed worthy
Are whistles and bells?

Where do we go
To belong somewhere
Surrounded by others
Who stand back
And stare?

Where do we go
To celebrate us
When society says
We just aren't
Enough?

Where do we go
To feel at ease
To breathe in deep
To feel at peace?

Where do we go
To feel affirmed
To be heard and seen
Not lessons
To be learned?

Where do we go
To grieve and weep
Knowing the secret
He had to
Keep?

Where do we go --
In truth, we don't
We're here now
And so
We won't.

Not invisible
We are right here
And we will never
Disappear.

You like information
And I
Am bored
By the constant
Need and
Expectation
That I dispense
Information -
That I educate
You.

I long to
Humanize
Myself --
To share
My experiences
But no one
Wants to hear
That.

It feels
Like I exist
Solely
To spout
Obvious truths,
Not to
Delve
Deeper.

No one
Wants
To look
Any closer,
To see
The heart,
To hear
The cries.

Instead they love
The work,
And the
Machines
Who do
The work,
Giving them
What
They long for
Without
Comment.

They just 'like' it
When we are
Objects
Selling
Products --
They 'like'
Stories
Of our lives
When we
Hate ourselves

And ignore
The bigger
Issues
Right before
Their eyes.

A bit removed
From everything
Just now -

Comfortably
Dissociated
And here's how:

Just a little
Extra spacey
Away from everything
It's hazy

Floating
Coasting
Rolling

No focus
Living inside
Some hocus
Pocus

Every November
I comb through
The embers
Of things left
Unspoken
Of truth
Never said

So each November
I sit and
Remember
The things
I had buried
And tried
To deny

November's the
Month when
It seems onto
Pages
In bits and in
Stages
As much as
It can

Every November
I sift through
The embers
Trying to find
Pieces
Of the person
I am

To glue them
Together
In some semblance
Of order
To show
Myself
Or tell of
The truth
That I see

Tell me you know
Just how it feels
To have your
Very livelihood
Threatened

Tell me you know
Just how it feels
To be treated
Like a criminal
For trying to survive
With what money
I have

Tell me you know
Just how it feels
To quietly panic
To go hot and clammy
At the
Long
Silences

Tell me you know
Just how it feels
To experience your
Platitudes and weak
Reassurances --
That all will be fine --
That it's
Not
All on the line

You don't
You will never
Know
Or
Understand

The depth
Of this fear
Or the fact
That you hold
My life
In your hands

Carrying stress
Within me.

Unless
Things work out

Then
I'll digress

But for
Right now

I'll live
With this
Indigestion

The regression
That comes
At the

Suggestion
Of losing
The home

That I
Rest in.

Irrelevant
Intentions --

Don't mention
What's coming.

Standing at
Attention

Each nerve-ending
Humming.

It will be
Awfully boring.
I don't have much
To say.

Mom and Dad
Had a good time.
Things are going
Okay.

Grounded until
The house is clean.
Failing classes
All but unseen.

Panic attacks
In bathroom stalls.
What goes on
Behind the walls.

Control yourself
As much as you can.
Make your own fire
Escape plan.

Do something else
Until it's all over.
Talk at all,
You'll blow your cover.

In so much danger,
Who to call?
Threatened we will
Lose it all

Don't say a word
Keep yourselves
Small...

Keep this house
Of cards from falling.
Reroute focus
Just keep stalling.

No one ever
Hears you calling
When you're trapped
Behind the walls.

Not worth your time
Fantastic, shut up
My teenage self
Esteem wasn't enough

Nothing was worthy
To take up this space
In notebooks or journals
Or any old place

Always afraid
Of confidence being
A thing that I held -
I called myself cocky

For the simple act of
Being sure of myself
Destroying my chances
At good mental health

The
Right family
Is subjective.

If the right family
Is the one
That does not
Institutionalize
You

But is the one
Who harms you
In all the ways

I think
It's safe to say
That it is not
The right family
After all

Stunning to think
Of just how much time
I spent so removed
Far away in my mind

So very used to
The blurry
The muted
That I accepted
This state
Of things
Undisputed

It's harder
Than it seems to be
To reintegrate
My mind
With the rest of me

But I am worth
The time it takes
Sinking back into being
For my own sake

How many hoops
Must I jump through
Before I have
What I need
To survive?

So much red tape
And not one damn
Scissors
Not even
Glimmers
Of something
Coming.

Only
The echoes
Of
Something
Gone.

Becoming
Aware of
The things
That I
Carry.

Not weight
And not
Burden
Just stuff
I have
With me.

I know
I am highly
Sensitive
To rejection

Though
I reject
The dysphoria
Because

Who is
Contented
With being
Rejected?

It should come
As no surprise
That those who
Should love
Instead despise...

But

Can you love
What you're destroying
What you're enjoying
What's annoying
You today?

Can you love
The one you're hating
No debating
You're debasing
Them this way.

But love doesn't come
With a side
Of despising
Of reprising wrongs
Of surmising thoughts.

Love doesn't come
With a side
Of hating
With ignoring
With debate
And debasing
With threats replacing...

What's there instead?

That's called
Abuse.

Where we're oft
Trapped
And can't
Be loosed.

So don't lie and
Call your
Actions love
When other words
Fit like a glove.

More Like An Ode

So,
You're disabled?

What?

You need
Services?

Well --
First things
First

I have some
Questions
I just
Have to ask:

Have you
Been to the
Doctor
Or dentist
Lately, comma,

Oh, don't give me that
About medical
Trauma
I really don't
Care you were
Sliced open, silent
If you don't
Do the thing
You'll be
Noncompliant.

(And you'll lose what you
Need,
Every bit, so take
Heed...)

Anyway...

Tell me about
Your most
Private details:
Your incontinence
Family
And mental health
Issues

I also require
A record of all the
Abuses
You've been
Subjected to.

Are you being
Abused now?
Physically?
Emotionally?
Sexually?
What would you do
If someone harmed
You?

Just a few more
And we're done
For the day...

Do you have a
DNR?
Have you been
Institutionalized?
Do you make
Too much
Money
To survive?

(Though it's
Below minimum wage
Though we cannot marry
Yes, just turn the page...)

We need you to do
One thing for us
Before we go
On our way...

Go to the doctor
To prove you're
Disabled
For access
To housing
And income
You need
To
Barely
Thrive.

It's that
Pesky poverty
We keep you
Trapped in

And finally,
For our last act
Watch us
Deny the
Ableism
You're constantly
Wrapped in

Wait.

We're back for an
Encore
And we're really keen
To know what you
Hope for
What are your dreams?

And don't you dare skirt the question

(You don't want to travel?
Or have any achievements
You want to unravel?)

Answer the questions
The way we decide
If your capacity shifts
Then you probably lied...

Answer the questions
The nondisabled way
But not too nondisabled
Or we'll take it away.

Answer the questions
To get what you need --
Maybe, if we decide
To do this good deed..

This is the
Disabled life
Rife with these
Questions

So casually
Asked
Each casualty
Masked

While we struggle
And strive
To stay
Alive.

Your life
Doesn't have to
Be perfect
For you to
Be proud --

So sayeth
Naya Rivera

In fact
She said
The less perfect
It is --
The more proud
You can be.

So I am --
And I'll be.

Why in the hell
Is it
The first
Inclination
Of parents
Of kids
With CP
To go
Directly
To the
Most
Invasive
Option?

Are you in
A little pain?

Maybe?

Let's cut you
Open
Actual baby
Your
"Normalcy"
Supercedes
What is actually
Best
For you.

What?

You need
Gentleness?

No, I don't think so.

I worry about your
Very natural
Reaction
To being tired
And overwhelmed.

I worry about
The evidence
Of CP
That I see.

So, let's cut some
Nerves
Because
All of the
Nerve
Belongs to me --
So you have
None left
For yourself.

You will feel better,
Baby.

(Or is it me
Who will
Feel better
When my
Child's
Identity
Is cut
Away
Piece
By
Piece?)

Hi, hello
Yes?
It's me

Back to
Write more
Poetry

Sure I've ruined
A thousand
Trees

With all
The paper
Poems
Have seen.

From the
Ground up
Its poems
Are leaves

That's how
They grow,
The
Poet trees.

Nervous
Waiting
Learning to
Hope for the
Best case scenario.

This is hard
When history
Shows
The worst
Case scenario
Is always
What comes
To pass.

So, today, I try
As I learn
To hold
Hope in my hands
About the future.

Hope is hard
But we
Can do
Hard things.

Who let
The pets out
And who let
Them play

Hide and seek
In the storm
In the world
That I made?

Because
If we wait
For light --
For good --

To celebrate
Then
We never
Would.

So make your
Own light
Find some
Way

To shine
Right where
You are
Today.

By the light
Of this
Night

I remember
The child
I was --

Very
Nearly
Lost
From sight.

The night before
Things almost
Changed
For good.

The night before
I had no clue
What would happen
Or what should.

The night before
I was far from shore --
Spun, submerged
And nothing more --

No air to breathe
No way to break
The surface or to
Take
Me out
Of where I've been --
This place
I'm in.

You were just
A child, too
You're the one
Who came through
You're the one who
Stayed here
"Help is on the way,
Dear!"

Never should have
Had to
And still this truth
Remains true:

I'm here today
Because of you.

Normalize
Perspective-shift
Changing of opinions

Normalize
Growing
More evolved

Normalize
Knowing when
To stay in
Our own lanes

Knowing when
To listen
And when
To stay silent

Normalize
Apologizing
When we make
Mistakes

We can change
Grow, know
When to stay silent
And when
To speak.

Use us.

Look upon us.

Do this
To bolster
Yourself.

Take us.

Make us
Your commodity --
The irony's
Not lost
On me.

We are not
Framed
With the same
Respect.

Hands take
Us.

They drag
Us.

They make
Us.

They don't ask
Our consent
They don't ever
Relent
In trying to force
Us

Into their boxes
Where
Suffocation
Locks us.

It isn't fair
Won't let us out
So we must
Free ourselves.

Let us breathe
Some real
Damn
Air.

My wheelchair
Is my body
So Alice Sheppard
Said

These words
Strike me
Rise in me
Make sense to me
Because
I still have legs
(The ungendered kind)
With me

My wheelchair
Is my body

Don't touch it
Unless I trust you
Don't push me
Unless I know you

It supports me
It moves me
It frees me

My wheelchair
Is my body...
Best words
I've ever read.

Let's talk about
Dissociation
And how it helps us
To survive.

At medical appointments
Ableism joins us
With objectification --
And when we object to this
Subhuman treatment --
We are labeled
Noncompliant.

We have value
Because we live
Why isn't
That enough?

Why must we always
Rise above
To prove
Our worth?

We are worthy
Because
We are
Alive.

Interdependence
Has cultural significance
For disabled folx
Who rely upon it
For survival.

We are told
And shown
And reminded
Time and
Time and
Time
Again

That what we require
This helping each other
Is somehow too much
Because we
Are too much.

But
Guess what?

It's not too much
And neither are we --
Even though
We are told
And ignored
And dismissed
And shut down.

Even though
We are blamed
For what's called
"Internalized ableism"
That always
(Always)
Originates
Outside us
First.

We thrive
And depend on
And believe in
Interdependence
Because
It is the only way
Any of us
Survives.

We love the crap
Out of each other
Because we know
If we don't,
Who will?

It's a little bit freeing
Seeing me
Being me

Not hiding
Anymore
Behind a mask

Of a smile
Denial a
Mile wide.

It was self-protective
And I understand it
I can't reprimand it

For coming
Around.
Because it served

A purpose --
I already knew this --
So thanks but I

Got this
New honesty
Thing.

When
We can't see the end
Of quarantining
Of the keening
Of the leaning
Of this time
We're in

There's no right
Time or way
Or thing to say
To help us
Cope with this
Unprecedented
Lack of hope

That fits us
Like a skin too
Large
Falling
At our feet
Too steep
And never
Free of charge

Maybe
I can't
Bear to lose you

And maybe
You
Are already gone

Maybe
You are
Aging up
Somewhere

And maybe
You are 35
Now
Nowhere

Everywhere

Wherever
You are.

When you speak
Be mindful
Of the words --
Of those you choose
To use --

Of those
Around you now --
Of those nearer
To you
Than the one
You're putting down

Words have
Weight
And spikes
They stick
They stone
Those words
Break souls...

Be mindful
Of the words
You use.

Lie
Like a rug
On the ground
Cover up.

When I lie
Do I lie
In wait?

Do I lie
To negate
Some truth
Somewhere?

When I lie
Do I lie
Because
I'm overwhelmed?

Because
I can't
Move
Myself?

Why
Do I lie
When I lie?

Step -- drop

We are bent
Until we break

(Nothing beyond
What you can take.)

Step -- drop

We don't choose
And so we quake.

(Learning steps
You want to make.)

Step -- drop

Consent is never
A thing employed.

(Studied.  Asked.
Advised.  Enjoyed.)

Step -- drop

Teased, Denied
Rejected, Small.

(Respected.  Seen.
Cared for.  Calm.)

Step -- drop

Watch as
We fall.

(Kindness
A balm.)

Step -- drop

Independence
Psalms.

(Help
Without qualms.)

Representation
Discussion
Elation

Purple
Candle
Puddle
Wax

Hoping
Caffeine
Chocolate
Lasts.

I need
All these
Things

And
It feels
Weird
To need
Them.

So worried
I'll break
You
In trying to
Protect you

Not insulate
You
Just don't
Break yourself.

We'll figure
This out
Both you will and
I will

Together
We'll
Remake
Ourselves.

"Be thankful
For the ADA,"
They say.
But how can
I be?

When there
Was no discernible
Before or after
For me?

It was not like
Suddenly
Things were better.
They weren't
For me.

But if I say this
I am labeled
As bitter
Angry
And ungrateful

Even though
Those who
Exist
Outside marginalized
Groups are never
Pressured

To feel
Grateful
For having
Their basic
Needs
Granted.

Even though
That feeling
Of gratefulness
Invades
And pervades
Me

Making
Me feel
Small
And
Unworthy

And insignificant
And dehumanized
And like dirt
And I am done

Being grateful
For the damn
Basics--

Especially
When we
Are so often
(And still)
Denied them.

We protect
Each other,
Respect
Each other

We help
Each other
In unorthodox
And unexpected
Ways.

I cannot answer
About
Aspirations,
Dreams and hopes

The way
You wish
Because
We cope
Differently.

We dream
In the present
Day.

Our entire life is
Striving.
So, in that sense
Yes--

Arriving
Is
The dream.

Thirty months
Without you

And I don't
Miss
A single day.

Gold medal
Memories--

But none
So
Sweet

As they
Were
When we

First
Lived them.

Abuse
Couched in
Coaching

Yet
In
Plain
Sight.

We have lemons
This
Is momentous--

An organized
Pantry and
Cupboards
And food.

It feels so
Good
To be
Stocked.

Juice Cleanse
On the warmer,
Lemons
Close by.

Because
Sometimes
Life gives you
Lemons--

And so, we
Learn
To love
Lemons.

We found eight
More
Books
Today.

The most
Perfect use
Of a $25
Gift card--

Especially
A grand use
Of birthday
Resources

When we
Are
Thirty-nine.

Found our
Childhood
Stuffed in a
Bag

Runaway things
College things
Vanished
Things

But
Good news!
Sea City,
Here we come!

Honesty
Lets me see

I am not
Weird
Or alone
Or bad

In this
Landscape
Of
Landmines
My mind holds

We play
We hang
We script
We read

We watch
We open boxes
We coexist
We Worthington

We eat
We love
We twin
We are

I remember
You tonight

I celebrate
You tonight.

I thank you
Tonight

For your
Gentleness
Of spirit

Your reminders
To play
After every
Storm.

For your
Fun
And wit

And every
Bit

Of what made you
You.

I see a family
New and not
So new at all
After all

There are things
I love
And long for
Things
That cannot
Be ignored

Inspiration
Found in takes
In spaces
In lines
In these scenes

Where we belonged
And had the
Means
To see ourselves
Redeemed

Nothing so
Comforting
As opening
Food.

Boxes
And products
And coffee

So soothing,
This new thing:

Accepting
Help.

Today is
Stalkerversary
No thank you
Stay away
From me.

I am alive
No thanks
To you
I see right through
Your games.

Not enough
Respect?
Try too much
Self respect
To subject

Myself
To your abuse
I've cut me loose
I've broken through
These chains.

Once upon a time
We found
A mother -- you --
Whose love abounds.

Saving him
Before yourself
With all your strength
Above all else.

We see you
A hero now
Your echo always
Living loud.

Your love proud.

Beneath the sky
We wonder why
Even when we
Knew...

We find you.
We thank you.
We love you.

What
The hell
Is a boundary?

Where
The hell
Is all
The safety?

Gather yourselves
Internally,
Gather your thoughts,
Gather metaphors...

But
Just
Stop

Gathering
In
Public
Spaces.

Impress me,
Or don't.

Intercept me?
I won't.

Indent me,
I'm iridescent,

I'm incandescent,
I'm invested.

Don't say it
In jest.

I can't be
Bested.

Impending
Incendiary

Bending
Never ordinary.

Inverted height,
Incur this,

Infer this:
I'm a furnace.

Once upon
A time

We board
A boat

We love
We float

And then
We go

And no one
Knows

How
Or where

Or when
Or why

Found
Somewhere

Beneath
The sky

Draw me
Your future
Or paint me
Your past.

Show me
Where
You've been
At last.

Everything means
Something--
Watch and
Learn something.

Ask
And
Learn
More.

Find memories
Lost
On some distant
Shore.

I'm sure...

Find what to say--
To show
And know
What's needed.

I see your smile
It light's me --
A glimmer.

It makes
My pandemic
Feelings dimmer.

Baymax
To the
Rescue.

Where does your
Bravery live?
Behind layers
Of fear?

Behind
Sweaters
And braids?

Does it
Live behind
Tears?

It's okay--
It's still here--
And so, too,
Are you

To keep saying
And doing things
Brave souls
Can do.

Darkness comes
In many forms:

Death
And all its friends--

Ableism,
Abuse,
Trauma...

But
What about
The flipside?

Who are
Life's
Friends?

Love,
Care,
Support...

We have all
Of those, too,
Don't forget.

Open minds
And open hearts
And open souls
Not kept apart.

Here, we learn
Here's our example
Not their job,
But still so ample.

Time spent well
Reading
Everything
At all
Ever.

Perfectly
Spent
Time.

Fun and
Fond memories

From so
Long ago

And yet
It feels

Like yesterday
The way

I can slip
Into this

Second skin
And find

Them waiting
Within.

These seven
Friends

From my
Childhood

Open door
Suddenly
Closing

Suddenly
Enclosing--
Smaller

Smaller
Smaller
Still

As you fill it
With your bigness
Ignoring us

More
Daily.
We cannot

Open up
When you
Are here.

Stop
Freaking
Oversharing

Stop
Ignoring
And

Imploring
Us to
Have

Sympathy
For you
When you

Don't give
A damn
About

Hurting us
And instead
Make it

About you
And how
Your feelings

Matter more
Than our

Safety
Dignity
Personhood

Truth-tellers
No longer
Dwelling
In corners
Disbelieved.

Survivors
No longer caged--
Their honesty
Unleashed.

We believe.
We believe.
We believe.
We believe.

Forever,
We believe.

Ideas
How I love them
And the
Distractions
They bring.

So give me
All of them
And characters
And everything...

So I can control
Something
Somewhere.

A day
So busy
So full

Of chores
And candles
And laughter
And love

A day
Is a gift
Because
It's still
A day.

Love is groceries
Love is here
Love is with us
Love is near

We love love
And we love food
Feeding us
Is a whole mood

Thanks for boxes
And for friendship
Essentials from
An essential

Worker,
Person,
Human,
Friend.

Boxes
Full of groceries
What

I can't
Think beyond
What the fuck

Because there's
Birthday
And then
Basics

I can't
Tell you
How I'll
Take this

Amazing
Kind and
Selfless act

How can we
Ever
Pay you
Back?

We can do
Hard things.

In our own way
And
In our own time.

When your joy
Is shared
And enjoyed
And appreciated

It is so happy
To experience
Their experience
Vicariously

Appreciating
What
They're
Appreciating

(What you
Appreciate)

Replay
That shit
Four times
More times

Because there's
Never enough times
For talent
To be heard.

Let me tell you
Everything
About me

Everything ever
You have no
Business knowing

Because
I need something
And so

There goes privacy
There goes dignity
There goes

All of me
Written
In pages--

Just beginning
These stages
Of maybe

Possibly
Getting the things
I need.

Stress and joy
Adulting
With toys
Mixed in
To balance
Enjoyment
Not malice.

We must mix
The pain
And the pleasure
Responsibility
To treasure

Innocence
Lost to early
Expectation
Of maturity.

Celebrating
With tortillas
Penis-Greys
And all the
Media.

Friends times two
And Room
And blogging
It's called canning
Not called jarring.

Cards on whiteboards
Cards for real
Voldy contact
What's the deal?

Thousand Polos
Candles pending
Presents coming
Never ending.

This
Is
Thirty nine.

I don't know how
You can be so
Selective

So willfully
Ineffective

So reflexive
So anti-reflective

I don't know
What to say
Or how to change

Or even
If I
Should

After
Living breaking
My psyche, myself

In two
Is it me who
Needs to change

Or
Is it
You?

I dream you
Bribing me
Silent.

I dream you
Gaslighting
Him.

I dream you
Faking
That

You're
Good
Parents.

Fooling
Everyone.

Everyone
But
Us.

Make yourself up
We all do
Really

Taking bits
And pieces
From others
From experiences

From imprints
Of love
And of harm.

And if we're lucky
We have people
Who see us

And the way
We've painted
Ourselves

From bits
Of
Detritus.

If we're lucky
They see us
Rise.

Showing your
True colors

Being revealed
For who you are.

Not sure I like
What I see

(Meaning
I don't at all)

It's unnerving
Just how
Familiar

This
All
Is.

I feel duped
How was I
So stupid?

How did I
Get fooled

Like this

Twice?

Reaching out
Connecting
With community

Finding unity
Among each
Other

Shared
Experiences
Beyond color

(And also
Not ignoring
It)

Because
Identity is
Explicit

Love it,
Don't leave it.

We're here,
Believe it.

Unrealistic
It is not.

Harsh, maybe, yes
But realistic.

Even though
It's not

Real to you
Don't tell us

Our experience
Of parents

Is wrong.

Very up
In my head
Feeling gaslit
With the dread.

Reliving the past
Time machine set
To view only behind.

Show me the truth
And I'll try to advance us
Reasoning and giving
All the second chances.

How do I cope
With these similarities
Without feeling she
Got the best of me?

I feel on the verge
Of letting this go
Done with abuse
And nothing to show.

Sharing
About therapy

Laying oneself
Bare

As I dare
To explore
This.

To delve
Not ignore
This.

How often
And why

(And many other
Questions)

Must I
Rehash

The awfulness
Of home

To get what I
Need

To get in life
To live

And be
Safe?

Let me
Brace myself
Erase myself
Debase myself

That's what you want,
Isn't it?
For me
To cease to be?

To exist
As a reflection
So you can
Persist?

Please
Release me
Let me
Resist you

So I can
Become
Someone more
Than you made
Me.

Accomplishment
Is celebrated
Here.

We are happy
We are proud
We have done
Things

And we
Are worthy
Of being
Celebrated.

Light up the night
Around you.

Signal for
Backup

Or love
Or I see you.

Use light
In our everyday

Life to illuminate
What's in our hearts

And what is
Innate.

Do what you can
Say no when you
Can't

Know we understand
And don't judge you
For that.

Know you are loved
In your very own
Skin

You don't need to
Change
A bit to fit in

So be who you are
And know we are
Here

We see you
We love you
We hope this
Is clear.

When there is
So little
We can do

(Against a
Worldwide
Pandemic--

Against structural
And societal
Racism)

We strive
To do what
We can

(What we must)

To help each
Other.

To take care
Of each other.

In the current
State of things.

Is it
Running away
Really

When you tell us
We don't have a
Room here anymore--

When you say:
"Get out
And stay out."

Is it on us
That you took

Our room
Our safety
Our brother

Or
Was it
You?

Wincing
Aching
Old pain
Quaking.

"Are you better?"
(Better than what?)

Am I worse?
Do I not measure up?

Am I
Not enough?

This human
Thing is hard
When I don't know
How to human.

This hurts--

This inaugural
Question
In our friendship

Does not
Bode well.

I am here
And I am growing
I am the most
Imperfect
Form of me.

But I am learning
Changing, knowing
That
I cannot stay
The same.

There is betterness
Within me yet.

I see it.

I believe.

So fan its flame
And grow it
Make mistakes
And know it
Means

Come back.

Try again.

For the sake
Of those
I love.

Dear 3-year-old me,

You are braver
Than you should
Have to be.

Trauma
Mislabeled
As bravery.

(Because
Correction:
You were traumatized--
Without proper coping-skills--
They called it resilience
To let themselves
Off the hook.)

I wish I could
Hold you
Comfort you
Love you
Stop them
From hurting you

Because you are
Enough
Just as you are.

Love,
Big Toni

Words
Cannot only be words
They must be
Backed up
By actions.

Without action
Words are empty
Gestures.

We cannot be
Constantly
Grateful
For nothing
But crumbs
Of dignity
And respect

And yet
We are.

It's circular.

We don't
Get it.

And we don't
Think
We should
Because
We don't.

Ignore us--

Ignore those
Who aren't

Important enough
For your cause.

You tried
(Once?  Ever?)

Such an ally,
Right?

You aren't an
Ally

Because you call
Yourself one.

We are the ones
Who make
That determination.

Allyship
Is not a one-
Time
Act.

When I see you
I see the heart
Of you.

I see into you.

I see your safety
Your action
(Or inaction
As it were.)

I see it.

All of it.

I see you.

Never doubt
That I
See you.

Finding small pockets
Of joy amid pain

Amid
Uprising

And
Pandemic--

Death atop death--
Fear on top of fear.

We're here
Weary.

Unsure of
What to do.

Do we
Speak out?

(Yes.
Silence is complicity.)

So we do
What we can:

We signal boost
We educate
Fellow white people

We take breaks
To Netflix
Party

Let's get this
Adrenaline
Flowing

Laundry hanging
Going

Quarantining

Checking in
And
Knowing.