Things are changing

Rearranging 

I am 

Wordless

I am 

Draining

Energy

And time

Is caught

I need

To do the things I

Oh so carefully

Have 

Planned

But now it's now

And now I wonder

If and where

I'll

Ever

Land.

Pandemic grown and

Five rooms deep

It's in between these walls

That keep

Me safe.

Invasion of the Spiders

Vacuum up the spiders

And spray them all away

We don't hate them

We just fear them

We need them not to stay

This is not your house, madam

Nor is it yours, good sir

So take your eight legs 

Somewhere else

Get on with living there

We don't love your largeness

Or your tendency to skitter

We would love it 

if you'd leave us

It's not that we are bitter

So today we spray a not-so-fond

Goodbye to all of you

With pre-pandemic vinegar spray

From Target -- try it -- it's delish

Then go live someplace new.

Journeys

We journey now

From warm to cold

From young to old

From shy to bold

We journey now

From wise to wiser

From honest to liar

From high to higher

We journey now

Not always for 

The 

Better

But the point

Is still

The journey

Letter

By

Letter

Different Fires

Sometimes my fire

Burns outside 

Emanating from me

Its heat scorching

And sometimes

My fire is internal

It's me, irritable

Unable to find calm.

Dragon Capabilities

I'm a dragon

Breathing 

Fire

I am a 

Furnace

I am

The 

Furthest

Thing

You can

Imagine

From

A scaled

And 

Walled-off

Creature

I am me

I'm not

Your

Teacher

Let me

Be here

Lay here

Stay here

Warm you

Or

Warn you

It's

All

Up

To you.

Open Destiny

Where most say

The end is

That's where I

Might begin

I want to see

What happens next

After the credits

Roll

But there's no hope

For that scope

When happy endings

Are what's in

So let us find

What we need

Elsewhere

Let us create

Our own space

Let's write our own

Damn stories

Where endings

Once took place

Unmet Needs

We look

For what we 

Find

We find

The things we

Need

We need

Just what we

Need

But 

Sometimes we

Look

Without

Finding

And

Need

Without ever

Receiving

Bracelet

When I get a new thing

And it wraps around me

I feel my coping rising

By 10 million points

It's why I say it's worth it

To buy if you can spend it

To try to by new coping

For these pandemic times

So I'll enjoy the smoothness

The colors and the newness

But I'll probably never chew this

Because it's not my thing

But bracelets hang and stay in place

On my wrist on all the days

And they are there when I need them

Whatever days may bring.

For a Taste of Fresher Air

Fresh air is just beyond us

Just outside a pane of glass

Our fence was knocked down

Yesterday, and all that jazz.

I haven't smelled the fresher air

In more days than I can count

Life is going "back to normal"

Yet so many of us can't get out.

We will lose our access

And it will be less safe

If face-to-face becomes the norm

And other regulations cave.

So let us keep on going

And stay in as we do

The life you save could be yours

But it could be someone else's too.

Plan Your Joy

When I hear the singers

Singing, 

It gets my imagination

Winging,

My own head, it starts

A-ringing

With music

Being made.

So plan your fun

And you plan your future

Planting seeds

Of joy to sprout

Then someday soon

You'll look back on it

And know your life

Was richer now.

Here Are The Days

 Here are the days

I feel.

Here are the days 

I feel real

Here are the days 

I feel something

Here are the days

I feel anything

Here are the days

I feel fear for feeling

Here are the days

I feel trauma

Here are the days 

I feel panic

Here are the days

I feel flashbacks

Here are the days

I feel -- finally --

What was done to me.

Gone Are The Days

Just one picture

Just one day

Fucks with me

In a special way

Gone are days

Of fearful giving

Of being ignored

Of harsher living

Gone are days

Of sympathies

All for her

And none for me

Gone are the days

Of going without

And always giving

The benefit of the doubt

Gone are the days

I thought I was fine

When I had no self worth

And no one to

Find me.

Gone are the days

I wanted a mother

I wish I could say

That this was the case

But somehow

And still

I long for 

A mother

And somehow 

No other

Can fill

That space.

Holidays and Trauma

 It's

Coming 

Closer

And I'm 

Leaving 

Fast.

Adoption

Feelings

Plus

Mother's 

Day

Will

Leave me on

My 

Ass.

Schedule of Events

 To bed around one-thirty 

And up again at ten

Write four days

And take off three

And then we start again.

Reading every book 

In sight

For fifteen-minute

Spans

Then watching every

Show we stream

To see just 

How it lands

Showers down from

Every day --

Three times a week

To two.

So if I stink

You'll never know --

I'm quarantining

Too.

Yes, I just rhymed

Two and too

I am aware of 

That.

It's a 

Pandemic

Not a contest --

Nor fiction

Over fact.

And in the evening

Snacks and coffee

When we watch

Even more

Shows.

We listen to 

Emma Hunton

Sing to us

Of Elphie's woes.

We talk to friends and

Read the writing

We watch the shows

And dim the 

Lighting.

And as the 

Avocado

Lamp fades

Around us

Turning our spaces

Deliciously dark

We talk and process

And lose ourselves

In other

Worlds

Using

Our own

Spark.

The Real Danger

What's to lose

And what's at stake?

Let's drag the bottom

Of the lake

And tell you

It's for your own 

Sake

That it will

Be done.

Just above us

The threats swing

We see them

As the branches hang

But open up

Tell everything

That ever

Hurt you

Worst.

We ask you how

You like to cope

We ask about

Your dreams and hopes

Then come along

And cut the 

Rope

That had you

Hanging on.

You hear the

False equivocating

That ruins lives

It sets you shaking

It creates 

Liars in the 

Making --

Honesty

Is gone.

'Twas The Night Before NaNo...

 'Twas the night before NaNo, when all through the house

Not a an idea was stirring, not even an ounce;

The notebooks were laid by the laptop with care

In hopes that some big ideas soon would be there;

How I tried to nestle all snug in my bed;

While visions of characters danced in my head

Tara in her jacket and I in my hat

Had just settled down for a pandemic nap

When out in the office there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed quick as I could patter.

Away to keyboard I flew like a flash

I opened the laptop and did a keysmash.

The moon in the window watches the show

As characters come to life and things start to flow

When what to my wondering eyes did appear

But eight lovely people and a dog like a reindeer?

With a little wheeled writer, sharp-witted and slick

They knew in a moment I must be have this licked.

So I whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Pearl, Dominique, Sarah and Weston!

Now Levi, now Mari, now Jesus now Fran!

From the top of my head to the top of the page

Dash away from the wings and onto the stage!

The dreams that before a wild story arrive

From imagination they bound to the sky

So right from my fingers to my page they flew

Eight awesome characters, and all their pets, too.

And then in the silence I heard all around

The voices of each one -- their own unique sound

As I readied myself to sit and transcribe

I could hardly prepare myself for what arrived

They were dressed for the summer

Each from head to foot

Wearing whatever felt best --

Whatever felt good.

Their eyes sparked with adventures

About to be lived

With no clue to me

What story they'd gift.

Their eyes how they shone

Their smiles, how glowing

Showing me just how much

They love where they're going

The trauma they carry not quietly in

The support they have going carries over the din

The truth in their hearts never caught behind teeth

Though sometimes a lie must protect what's beneath

They have the best love and all the best candy

Plus coffee hot cocoa and some pies from Sandy

Friends from Camp Bravery and friends from elsewhere

I laughed when I saw as they waited just there

A wink of their eyes and a tilt of their head

Quickly let me know there were stories to tend

I spoke not a word, but got right to work

And filled all the pages, and turned with a jerk

And laying my fingers atop all the keys

I let the words come as smooth as you please

I sprang into Greenie, gave The Avoiders a whistle

And away we all flew riding ideas like a missile

And may you read the words that we leave behind

This story's my gift to you, wrapped, done and signed.

I found a piece

A missing piece

One I didn't 

Know was lost

It is peace

And it is context

It is answers

Saved and boxed

Within me,

It grew,

This excitement

And pride

And instead

Of being happy, too,

You're acting

Like I lied

I am here

But I am nowhere

I'm in front of you

I am gone

Your solid ground

Is my iceberg

Slipping

Breaking

Cracking

Freezing

You accepted me

Embraced me

Enfolded me

Adopted me

Or so you said

Because

When next I looked

You were silent

And slowly -

Or not so slowly

At all - 

Solidness gave

Ground lost

Ground weakening

Ground

To a halt

Silence grows

I fade 

In your esteem

I'm a shadow

One you claim

When it's convenient

One you only

Performatively support

Your solid ground

Is no ground at all

And so I drift

'Til I am gone

From your sight

From everything

I thought

Was true

One more loss

One more trauma

One more thing

I thought I had

When all along

Between my hands

There was

Nothing at all.

Are we

Invisible?

Do we matter

To you at all?

These questions

Float around me

Silent alarms

Are sounding

Call us friends

Or don't

You say we matter

But we clearly

Don't

Don't pretend here

Don't claim us

Publicly

When you will

Speak

To everyone

Everywhere

Ever

But us.

Ignore us

When you can't

Use us

Someday

Maybe

You'll lose us.

Pages full of words.

A secret loosed

From a throat strangled

From a voice muted.

A hard thing -
Sometimes it is
The hardest thing.

Looking back
At blows felt
A captive held
A child dealt
A burning home
To somehow survive in.

Don't look away
From ashes left,
The pain imprinted
The outline of a childhood
Lost.

Institutional betrayal
Parental neglect
Forced peer contact.

All threads that 
Led

To this.

Behind a wall

And fortified

Our hope was locked

Keys were lost

There was no door

Just trapped inside

Cages

Pandemics

Rapists

In charge of us

And we

Could do nothing

But brace 

For the impact

So much worse

Than imagined

But we told

We told you

This would be

The worst thing

Money, power, 

They leave us 

Empty

Wanting

Dying.

But 

Yesterday

On the horizon

Hope rose.

It burst forth

From behind

The dam it was trapped in

New names

New leadership

New poets

New everything.

Not everything

Can be fixed

Not everyone

Is still here

But I am

And we are

So we'll stay

And fight

And be the 

Hope and 

Safety and

Protection

We have all

Sorely needed.

Just because hope 

Exists 

Again

Doesn't mean we don't

Still need

Each other.

Six feet apart

For now, but maybe

Just maybe

Someday,

We'll be together

Again