Tell us again

How we can't

We'll show you

We can

Tell us again

We must break

Ourselves in half,

And we'll tell you

We don't do that.

We make 

Our mark

We rise

We soar

Let us 

Show you

Who 

We are

Doing 

This resting

Thing

Doing

The crap

Out of it

To do some

Healing

To keep on

Going

Here's to a different

Kind of life:

To rest and

Rejuvenate

To learn to

Feel feelings

To cry 

Openly

To no 

Mocking

To safety

To everything

To evening

To

Just

This

 Let's keep it up

This self discipline

It will pay off

No pain for the win

Rest is productive

So let's watch TV

For a whole day

Or more

And see

If it pays

To rest me

Once more.

 Relaxing

And resting

And icing

Not stressing

No more 

Rage-tweeting

Or ableist

Reading

Let's watch

Some baking

Together

Instead

 Tired

Take me back to the 

Shire

Wired

By what is

Required

Mired

In everything

Dire

Liar --

What she made 

Us into

Choirs

Of liars

In frying 

Pan fires --

Taking our safety 

Tires

So enamored

By her

Every goddamn

Fiber

Of the

Cyber

Nightmare

We are 

Living.

 How can you

Blame us

And shame us

And then claim us

You're not in our 

Corner

So don't claim to

Be there

You're not

Our ally

So don't try

To pretend

We see right through you

To the abuse you

Keep right on 

Perpetuating

We are screaming

Stop

But you refuse

To learn

I fear for 

My community

Who will be harmed

Because of this

Because of what you

Missed

Because you never

Bothered

To get the jist

Of this,

Or of us,

Or of anything.

 I can't even tell you

How much you are 

Hurting

How much

You are

Endangering

How much 

You are 

Angering

Us.

We are human beings

Who feel pain

And need things

Who are threatened

And abused

And settle

Repeatedly 

For 

So

Little.

Not because 

We are happy to

But because

We are forced.

We have 

No 

Damn choice.

No agency

No power.

We are

At the mercy

Of others

Just hoping

That we will be

Afforded dignity.

What you can't see

Is us finding community

It's adapting beautifully

It's overcoming

Your shit

Repeatedly.

Because we'll adapt

We'll keep coming back,

And calling you out,

Try to hold us back.

You can't break us.

We are here.

We are always

Going to be 

Right

Damn

Here.

 Do you see this?

What you are helping happen

With what you're putting out there

With the tropes you are entrenching

Do you hear us?

The people you are harming

With the ways you're always arming

Others against us?

Do you care?

That this is night whatever

That we are emotionally laboring

So others are alerted

To what this really is?

How can you claim it?

That the kids you write about

Are amazing

When every word about them

Harms their entire well-being?

Notice.

Good God.

Please notice

The harm you're doing

Before it is too late.

(As it may already be.)

Creating safety

Feeling seen

In these spaces

We have been

Some we haven't

That's okay

To hear you talk

Takes us away.

To a place and 

To a safety

We have 

Rarely felt.

To feel so loved

And valued now

Our hearts may

Truly melt.

I'm falling now

Into the chasm

Into this ditch

Off this cliff

You've created.

With your words 

So hideous

Your idea of us

So insidious

We feel your hatred.

We know it's there

It's obvious

In the words you choose

In the voice you give us

Forgive us

If we're not elated.

We can't take much more

Of this soul-sucking rep

The secret of your derision

Is one so ill-kept.

The ableism 

Goes on

And on

And on

Unabated.

 At night, 

Before the dawn's first light

I sit 

And try with all my might

To write.

And I

Will the words from brain to

Page, and

Try to catch them as they

Fall tonight.

From my

Head onto a screen

And to

My pillow into dreams

Good night.

 Why does

Your version

Of us --

The dehumanizing 

Blatantly

Surmising

Who we are

It's unsurprising

Why 

Does this

Persist?

Because 

The preference --

For some odd reason --

Is to read 

The tropes.

Entangling us

In the toxic

Ropes --

The stories

They tell

That help

Them cope.

It allows them

To take heart --

The hate

The burdensome

Takes

That keep us

Apart.

 Grateful for 

Distractions

And all

The forms

They take --

Reading

And

Watching

And 

Being with

Friends.

Give it all

To me

All

The time.

 Take our part

That's all we

Want --

The marginalized
Being raised

By the mainstream.

But too often --

Instead --

We are

Taken apart

Piece by piece

In an effort

To remake us.

This breaks us

That instead of

Defending us

You join the chorus

Of voices

Who hate us.

You, who protect

Become our first

Tormentor.

Our worst abuser,

Breaking us down.

Go against 

This status quo --

If you love us

Let us know

Because 

We're everything--

Everything

You never dared

To dream.

 Watch us

Work together,

Doing the 

Hard things

Together.

Watch us

Save each other

Save money

Save 

It all.

Watch us 

Growing 

Slowly

Over time

All the time.

Watch us.

 Ask me again

About my goals

My dreams

My accomplishments

Share with me 

What 

Exactly

Was documented

Somehow

I come away

Feeling betrayed

Somehow

I come away

Feeling small

Somehow 

I come away

Feeling like a burden

Like I have

No value

Unless I am

Productive

I am beyond

Tired knowing

What was

Required

Was me

Justifying

Myself

The hopes and dreams

I was asked to

Supply were 

Reduced

To a nondisabled

Norm after all

To being

Published.

Is this all

That 

I am worth?

(Spoiler alert:

No, it isn't.)

 When the end

Is in sight

After long

Working

Toward a goal --

It's super

Satisfying.

Because

It means

Months of work

Is about 

To be

Worth it.

 Curl up

With a movie

And friends

And settle in

Loving this time

With each other...

Finding characters

In dreams of mine

Protecting them

In every

Which way

That I can.

This is something

This day.

It's something.

It's something

Right now.

 When I show

My face to

The world,

It's going to be

The face that

I choose.

If I want to

Smile, I will.

If I don't

Then I

Damn well

Won't.

Don't ask me

What's wrong.

Don't tell me

I should.

I don't exist

For you.

What is on 

My mind tonight?

I want warmth

And calm and light

I love writing and

Love being seen

I love Justin Foley

On my TV screen

(Not in that way -

No, just as a human -

Flawed as we all are

I'm happy to see him.)

I love that my 

Seat cushion

Still has some 

Squish left

I love what 

I have

I don't want

Any less.

Do we need

The frigid breeze

The dying leaves

The changing

Seasons now?

Do we need

This cold we feel

To know what's real

And that this nightmare

Ends somehow?

Do we need 

To be in place

Frozen in this

Space and

Time?

Do we need

The brutal chill

To know we will

Come out

The other side?

"I don't do
Pictures."

"I need to
Get out of this."

Cuddle in bed
For the rest
Of your life.

Be safe
Where you are

And know
We won't
Exploit you.

Rest now.

Stay here.

Be loved.

How do I balance
Boundary-making
With my wholly
People-pleasing
Nature?

I crave connection
And have been
Told
So often
That I, myself,
Am not enough.

And so
I vanish
Blending
Bending
Losing me

Until there's
No one
Left
To see.

Reaching back
Through detritused
Memories

Reaching for
Glimmers
So few and far
Between

Some, I found
Some, I'd like
To remain
Unaffected

Untainted
By the
Strain
That infects us

Just leave it alone
Just let it be
Everything
It was to me

It feels like
All
That I have
Left

Whose definition
Of  you
Do you
Live by?

And can you
Truly
Love yourself
Without

First
Being loved
For everything
You are?

We need
Each piece
Of your
Uniqueness

Every single
Person, ability, shade
We need every single
Dang difference

Every
Single
One
Of you

(And
There is
Only
One of you.)

When I see you
Out here
Creating safe spaces

With your content
And your intent
It makes me

Hopeful

Despite
The state
Of things

In this
Day and time
And in

This life

So much
For happy endings
The nondisabled
Way

So much
For hopes and dreaming
I can't say what
You hope I'll say

Because
The fairytales you read
Say I'm the one
To blame

Even though
It's your society
That wants us
All the same

Something
Deep in me
That I can't
Control

This desire
To be loved and
Seen after
So much silence
Takes its toll

I can't stop the
Words as they
Tumble free

This desperation

It ruins

Everything

Espresso chocolate
Is my lifeblood
Seeing me into
This new month
This new season
This new everything.

These are what
We like to call
The worst of times -
But the best way
To see them in
Is with you.

Up late - 3 AM late -
Connecting
Finally getting
Each other
On this - the
Deepest level.