Thursday, September 27, 2018

Hearing

Hearing you
            Seeing you
                           Making this
                                         All about you

Makes me doubt myself
                            My memory
                                 My credibility
                                       Like hers, you might say
                                                                         It's full of holes

Because I was 12
                       Or I wasn't
Because it was fall
                       Or it wasn't
Because it happened
                       Or maybe it didn't
                                             According to you
                                                             And those like you
I remember where
  And when
   And how
     And who
         I remember how
           It hurt
            I remember the words
                The face I was faced with

I remember the denial that I cultivated
       I remember body memories
                      At 13
                               At 18
                                       At 26

I remember speaking about this
   At 36.
         So maybe waiting
             Makes me less credible
According to leaders
       To people
           In power positions.

Maybe nothing happened
         At all.

But why do I remember the words?
      The pain and pressure the no's I screamed
           The "stop" I wished for?  Why is the dismissal
                Inscribed indellibly in my not-memory, of the not-assault

When I was 12
        Or maybe not-12?

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