Tonight,

We vanquish fright

We exchange it

For excitement

We can't wait

To write all about it

Everything

We've been holding in

So let's sharpen pencils

Charge laptops

Click our pens

Let us prepare

To channel our 

Circumstances

Our grief

Our ashes

Let us transform it

Let us bring it

To life on pages

Let's change the endings

To suit us

Let us create

Somewhere safe

To go.

Tonight,

We celebrate

A friend --

Our community

Someone who gets 

 What it's like

Who grasps

How it feels

To be 

Us

Just

By being

Her.

Is she likable?

This anti-hero?

This wholly human

Flawed woman?

Is she palatable?

This character?

This person

We are meant to root for?

Raised to be

Likable

In order to

Secure our safety

In order to 

Ensure our places

In this 

Society

She does not 

Have to be

Likable

At all

In order to be

Depicted

And loved

And seen.

Memories of elegance 

Surround me

Engulf me

In sweetness

Tinged with 

Grief

At the sight

And the experience

Of this

Of you

In this 

Space

When doubt 

Swirls me

In its depths

I spin

And turn

Disoriented

I am 

Unmoored

It's unrelenting

So find

The floor

And start again 

It's okay

To disagree

It's okay

To think we see

It's okay

To change our minds

When we 

Get more information

It's okay to need

Apologies

It's okay to be

Yourself

There's no one else

That you should be.

Let's tape our fingers together

Let's see if that helps.

Let's let people help

Let's see if that sorts this out.

Let's flout convention

And the ways we were taught --

That needing anything makes you

Weak -- no --

Needing everything

Makes you

Deliciously, blessedly

Human.

 When life throws us curve balls

We adjust.

We adapt.

We don't have to take the hit.

We can do something

Differently

Something better

For us

In the 

Long

Run.

Let us dream a new world

A world where we can be

Anything we want to,

Seem to dream to be.

Let us dream a safe world

A world where we can see

Pandemicless life once again

Maskless - fearless - free.

Let us dream a wide world

Accessible to me

And all the others who may need

Accommodations without fee

Let us dream and then create

The world we want to see

Let leadership reflect

Where we so long to be.

Trying to 

Practice

Self care

Is a thing

It's a 

Brand

New 

Thing

That I'm not

Very good at

But I will 

Get better

At resting

And at 

Self care

Let's get

Tactilely grounded

Let us

Intelligently

Disobey.

Let us

Listen

To ourselves

And 

Embrace

All of who we are.

One of these days 

When puppies

Reigned supreme

Such a great

Use of time and

Mental health space

That

And naps

Win

Today, you go out into the world

Fully formed and fluffed and curled

You are something fully made

Something I would never trade

Your ideas were borne of struggle

So much more than I could dream

You saw me through so much turmoil

Fully bursting at the seams

Thanks a bunch for everything

I'll love you never altering

May the words upon you never age

And may we always turn the page

When you say you're there for us

Do you back it up?

Are your words turned into actions

That show us that we are loved?

When you say you're going to change

What changes do you make?

Do you start again from scratch?

Do you bake a whole new cake?

When you say you hear us

What is it that you hear?

A mob of angry voices

Or a chorus of trauma and fear?

When you say you love us

What exactly do you love?

Do you love what we give you?

Or is who we are enough?

Reflect on this and please

Make good on the promises you claim

And never doubt we're who will suffer

If you stay the same.

Loving 

Newness

And living

To do this

To write and 

To learn

To explore

What's to come

How 

Do I do it?

This thing

That I love

I pour myself 

Out

And I hope 

It's enough

Go figure

There's still figuring

And thinking

About a regular night

When everything changed

Figuring

Out what was to come

What to expect

What to prepare for

Happiness?

What is this?

(Or is it unabashed relief

From terror

Believing 

Things will no longer

Be 

As they've been?)

Looking ahead

Feels a little bit

Like

Looking behind

Seeing 

All

The things

That weren't

Grieving 

All 

The things

That should 

Have been

Being here

The way I am --

Was --

The way you

Weren't

I can survive

Leaning on me

And those around me

But oh,

I wish...

I could 

Have had you

To lean on, 

Too...

I see you

Seeing me --

And yet --

Not even

Trying

To see me.

I see you

Moving

Breathing

Being

But never

Seeing 

Me.

I see you

I anticipate

Everything

You feel --

And all the 

Reactions

Possible

For you to have.

I see you

I hold my breath

Around you

I fear you

Want never

To be near you.

I see you

But you never

Even try

To see

Me.

Sometimes

I see nothing

And sometimes

I see more

Sometimes 

I can tell

What's 

Coming

Sometimes

I don't

Have

A clue

This is

What I see

When I 

See you

Burst at the seams

With inspiration

Waking with dreams

Of newish horizons

Leaves are falling

Outside my window

Like the ideas

Falling gently

Into my head

I'm loving this

Time and these vibes - 

Coffee shop feelings

And brainstorming life

This is what I love

And I love

What I

Write

Lets not talk

Let's never talk

Let's talk around

This thing no one

Talks about

Ever

Let's never

Say it and then

Claim there's no

Shame here.

Let's let it be

The freeforall

It is

To treat us

However

The hell

Because

You stayed

Here.

Good for you

You did next to 

Nothing

And yet you did 

Everything

To imprint us

With your face

With your fear

We didn't choose this

Or you

Or anything.

We'd love

To be loved

For who we are

But it feels

Like the

Farthest thing

From where we

Sit.

Newness

Is so necessary

From time

To time

To time.

It fuels me

With energy

To do

This new

Thing.

So let's chill

In the dark

And nurture 

The spark

Of our creativity

Together

And apart.

Just

Barely

Keeping it

Together

Before I

Start

Falling

Apart

What luck

Is this

What the fuck

Is this

I don't like

Whatever 

This is

But

I'll keep

Trying 

To self care

It up

How can we know

That we are worth more

When we are constantly

Told and shown that we are

Less?

How can we set 

Our sights

Higher,

When we are raised

To be grateful

For so

Little?

How can we live

When others crave

Our suffering -

Participating

In exploiting

Us?

Can we

Just 

Live?

When I love you

I wince...

When you see me

I brace

For hits

For hints

Of what 

Flits

Below your 

Surface

Edges...

Are there 

Ledges

Hidden 

Beneath

Water?

Are there

Currents

Swirling

Ready

To take me

Under?

Or a wall

I'm preparing

To meet

Head-on

Without

Proper

Protection?

Almost out of 

These dark woods

Until I'm

Thrust

Back

Into the

Arms

Of those trees.

Can I emerge

From this 

Tangled

Wilderness

This nightmarish

Time when 

The light

Burns my eyes

And the pain

Rises in me.

So let it

Release me.

Out here

At sea

A storm

Tosses me

Rudely

Relentlessly

Leave me

Alone

Let me

Find land

Find purchase

Find sand

Somewhere 

To be 

Without 

These

Ceaseless

Waves

Rocking 

Me

Know that when 

You leave me back

My fears will build

My heart will crack

Don't go quick

And don't go ever

Leave me home

While you endeavor

To make this trip

Quick

The feelings will

Stick

With me for years

Trust me

It's not no

Big deal

It is 

The biggest

Damn deal

Our minds

Are not 

One mind

All the time.

That's fine.

Because you have

Yours

And I have

Mine.

We don't have to

Share

Or always

Compare

In order to

Shine.

That's fine

For you to have 

Your thoughts

And me to have 

Mine.

The smell of pumpkin

Pancakes

And maple syrup

Pervades

This space.

It's beyond

Comforting

To constantly

Have something

That smells

As good as this.

It brings me 

Back

To the past --

To memories

Of baking 

Pumpkin

Chocolate 

Chip cookies

A one-time thing

I will always remember.

Dawning of a new month
But there is nothing new
About the ableism
Felt by me
Expressed by you.

You are able to 
Take stock
To feel grateful
To unlock
All your feelings
About going to restaurants
While we are here
Trying
Not to keep
Dying.

You call it
A lost cause
To keep pushing - 
Not my voice that matters
Not my choice to keep choosing.

Keep on doing 
What you're doing
Pass me off 
To the next person
Tell me
Everything
About you
And how you
Dropped the ball.